Sharp. Astute. A woman with a “no bullshit” attitude. This is the kind of mentor/girlfriend I believe all divorcing women need in their corner during a divorce.
Let me qualify that by saying it’s not the only kind of friend we need. We need those who make us laugh and forget, those who are wise and fantastic listeners, those who remind us to be grateful and humble, and those whose shoulders are always there to cry on.
But sometimes going through a divorce calls us to be stronger, and more astute than we’ve ever been before. Certain matters may even require us to get tough. And, as a result of your history — not just your marriage, but all of your life experiences — your tendency and nature may be to put others’ needs before yours, allow worry and fear to immobilize you, and let good intentions and heart-felt prayers to determine your future. THIS is where the support of a sharp, astute, no-bullshit kind of mentor/girlfriend steps in.
Hali, my best friend, played the role of no-BS girlfriend during the first couple of years of my divorce. And I’ll admit that as our divorces unfolded (they happened simultaneously), I initially judged her approach too aggressive for my comfort. Whether she was tackling issues related to the law, her ex, parenting, or money, she’d consistently grab the bull by the proverbial horns. Her actions said: “This is what needs to be addressed, this is what I believe is reasonable and fair, I will seek legal help if necessary, but I want this taken care of and put behind us so we can move on.”
I, on the other hand, took the opposite approach for awhile. I didn’t push, didn’t shove, and held to the faith that everything would “work itself out” because I was a good person, so was my ex, and sometimes, well sometimes things just take time…
Hali’s opinion on how I was handling divorce matters periodically aggravated me. I felt like she was shoving them down my throat. And I sometimes found her tactics and attitude too aggressive.
But thank God, THANK GOD, she devoutly rallied by my side even when I was spinning my wheels and sinking in the mud. Thank God she was always there to provide her guidance and opinion, even when I wasn’t ready to hear them. Cause you know what? Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I NEEDED her to help me find my backbone. I NEEDED her confidence and reassurance that I could handle conflict when it arose with my ex-husband. I NEEDED someone to remind me that the money I was spending on legal action was necessary, that it would ultimately lead to an arrangement between us that was fair and in the best interest of our children, and that I DID, in fact, possess the courage and strength to grab MY life by the horns and fight for what was fair. Ultimately, my best friend Hali helped me discover the sharp, knowledgeable, no-bullshit woman in ME.
Sharp, knowledgeable, no-bullshit are among us online. And if you presently lack such a mentor in your life, know that you have one in me and you can write to me here. I may not sing kumbaya with you. I may not always tell you what you want to hear. But you have other girlfriends who can do that.
Delaine Moore
Mars Venus Divorce Coach and NLP Therapist
Calgary, AB
