Like most parents, I love my kids more than life itself. And since I got divorced, I’ve worked really hard to make sure that they not just adjusted, but thrived.
But I’m human…far from perfect. And sometimes life circumstances have gotten the best of me or worn me down. Consequently, my children have seen me crying. They’ve seen me randomly stare off into space. They’ve seen a mom “going through the motions.” Sometimes they still do…
And I can’t help but wonder: Even when we sufficiently meet our children’s basic needs, do they sense that we are “off”?
My intuition says “no.” I think they’d go without a treat if it meant having mom fully present with them. I think they know when our smile is false or when our eyes don’t contain light. I think it’s in our energy field; it’s even wrapped in our hugs. I think it lingers in the house and they sense it when come home. .
I’m not saying this to make anyone feel guilty. again, we’re only human and the bottom line is that life/divorce can be tough. I’m saying this because it is in our awareness of our ‘checking out,’ that we can begin to make the return trip home to be present.
I noticed it the other night when I was sitting on the couch by myself. One of my sons appeared beside me with his hockey cards. All I really wanted to do was disappear in my heavy thoughts.
But suddenly, something shifted in me: his big blue eyes drew me in. I moved into the present moment. All I saw and heard was him, this magnificent little boy, with the big blues eyes, wanting nothing more than to tell me about his hockey cards.
So I stayed there with him, in that present state, for the next half hour. Smiling, asking questions, listening, and watching him enthusiastically flip through the hockey players. This moment meant everywhere to him. Everything. He was trying to connect with me, he NEEDED to connect with me.
And he did. How did I know?
Cause he hugged me extra times that night. He didn’t want the moment to pass. He kept telling me how much he loves me; he even got up out of bed later on to say: “I just can’t sleep mom because I keep thinking about how much I love you.”
And I realized that half hour of presence with him was as vitally important as the food that I put on the table for him.. Not just to him…but to me.
And so I remind myself to be present. More often. To be more open to The Now. Even when it feels so damn hard. Cause those heavy problems that linger in my mind aren’t ‘real’ in the very moment. But the big blues eyes sitting in front of me are.
Delaine Moore
